You’ve probably noticed that I have made a lot of changes lately. And also that I may have been acting a little different.
I changed my name from SueZ_QQ to smidgebit. I haven’t been streaming. And my sculpting updates have been lackluster. All of these changes have been made pretty suddenly and have caused some concern with some of you. Thank you so much for everyone that has reached out to check on me when I started acting out of character. It means the world to me that I have not been alone throughout all of these changes. The love and support has made me realize just how many wonderful people I have in my life and how truly blessed I am.
I wanted to take some time to update everyone and tell a bit of my story. As most of you know, I am a very positive person. I’ve always had a unique view on life and embrace the beauty in all that I can. Even in the darkest of times and events, there is always beauty to be seen. Over the past year and a half I have gone through a lot of changes. Some very strange things have happened. And I’ve finally come to a place that I can confidently share it with the people in my life.
Last year I had a psychotic break. I lost grip on reality and found myself swimming through my mind trying to find my way to shore. I became paranoid. I pushed everyone away. And I was suddenly living in a world that never existed. A lot has happened since then. I have hurt people. I have hurt myself. I have lost people. And I still struggle to know what really has happened over all of this time. It has been the scariest time of my life. If it weren’t for my closest friends, and even random strangers who I accidentally encountered.. I am not sure I would be here right now. Even though all of this has been terrifying and “unknown”, I have done my best to stay positive and see all the beauty in the circumstance. It has been a journey through darkness that I never expected but the light has always kept me moving forward.
Last month I finally got an official diagnosis of Paranoid Schizophrenia. Although it is surprising and scary, it came as a relief to know what is going on. Because I am positive, I am usually able to enjoy the extended imagination that I have. More often my mind simply creates alternate timelines full of fantastical adventures with friends and loved ones. It truly is fun to experience some times. However, sometimes it becomes too much to handle. Sometimes I get paranoid by the smallest things. My mind will grasp onto random things and rabbit hole them into severe and sudden distrust in my closest loved ones. It is not because I do not trust them, but because I have suddenly been thrown into another reality that I do not know isn’t real.
Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched. Followed. Stalked. Other times I believe that someone is listening to my thoughts. And a lot of times I am unsure if something is really happening. Throughout the psychosis my mind clung onto a friend that I lost. The loss was devastating to me as I was already going through a lot of stuff as it were. And even still, I do not know the truth in what happened with the friend- or even if parts of the friend existed.
I don’t tell you all of this because I want anyone to feel sorry that I lost my mind. I tell you all of this because I *know* that I am acting strange. I know I am saying weird things. I know that I am imagining half of what is happening and forgetting the other half. I may not be responding to messages because I thought a conversation happened. Or I may, for any reason, feel like someone is a threat to me. Please do not be afraid to ask me questions if you are close to me and need clarity. I will respond the best I can and conversation usually helps my paranoia- when they really happen at least. I stopped streaming because of the paranoia and the overall mental toll that everything has taken on me. I do not know if I will return, yet. I cannot say what the future holds. I changed my name because I needed a screen name that wasn’t a name. You’d be surprised how common the name Susie is! Since I have changed it I have already noticed an improvement in my overall paranoia. So thank you to everyone who has been supportive of all the changes.
I only have one request for anyone who wishes to stay close to me as a friend, or loved one. Please just be straightforward with me about everything. If it scares you, I understand. If you think it is best to part ways, I understand. I’m not afraid anymore. I am not scared of getting my feelings hurt. I simply just need straightforward communication to avoid increased paranoia.
I don’t expect anything at all. I just want to navigate this new life of mine. I am still me. I still adore you all just the same as I always have. I may be quieter, more reserved. You may see less of me than before but it is not because I want it that way. I am trying my best.
Thank you for taking the time to read about the journey I am on. Thank you for the love and support. And thank you for being my friend.
❤ I love you just the same ❤